What Science Tells Us About Arguing With Your Father-in-Law
By Julia Minson, writing for The New York Times
A Harvard researcher describes a fraught conversation about immigration with her conservative, veteran father-in-law and shares the behavioral-science playbook that kept it constructive. The takeaway isn’t “win the argument,” but keep the relationship intact. She explains why curiosity beats persuasion, how to signal respect while disagreeing and the “conversational receptiveness”
language cues that turn conflict into dialogue.
A couple of weeks ago, I found myself on the brink of a high-risk conversation. Sitting in my in-laws’ living room, listening to television news about the latest Immigration and Customs Enforcement raids, I grew curious about my father-in-law’s views. My “Pa” is an old-school conservative, an Army veteran who has fully bought into the American ideals of freedom, hard work and self-sufficiency. I’m a liberal Harvard professor who immigrated from Russia as a child. Perhaps unsurprisingly, our views on immigration have always differed.
The choice between engagement and avoidance, so familiar to me from my own research, felt paralyzing. I wanted to know my father-in-law’s thoughts. He’s lived a long life and risked it repeatedly for American democracy. Surely, he understands the desperate yearning that drives people to seek refuge on U.S. soil, I thought. But I was also afraid. What if he said something I couldn’t condone? Something inaccurate or insulting? Would it be wiser to stick to discussing the kids and the weather?
A vast majority of Americans say that political conversation has become less respectful in recent years, the Pew Research Center has found, and almost twice as many people find political disagreement stressful as find it interesting. Most people have a scant interpersonal tool kit for navigating important differences of opinion, whether in politics, family matters or work. When we rely on soaring rhetoric and sound logic to change minds, we often find ourselves surprised that other people don’t want their minds changed. Meanwhile, the mere possibility of disagreement can induce anxiety because we (accurately) expect confrontations to be fruitless, eroding even the closest relationships. Yet dodging discussions of contentious topics feels cowardly and robs us of connection.
It’s not easy to show our genuine selves, strong opinions and all, to our loved ones — and to have them do the same. It’s even harder to do so and not end up screaming.
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